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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29709747">all is fair in love and dating shows</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/minouribia/pseuds/minouribia'>minouribia</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Once Upon a Time (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, Fluff</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 17:35:58</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>13,447</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29709747</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/minouribia/pseuds/minouribia</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Regina and Emma are both reluctant guests starring on a new dating show. </p><p>Suffice it to say, their host has some… interesting ideas when it comes to matchmaking.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Evil Queen | Regina Mills/Emma Swan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>88</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>all is fair in love and dating shows</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Thank you everyone for the kind words on my other works. It truly gives me drive to release more works for this fandom &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Mary Margaret is a menace to society. </p><p>She puts on an act of the sweet, innocent, naive school teacher, but she is a dirty con artist who is bad to the rotten core. </p><p>Anyone who signs someone up for a dating show has to be a little bit evil. </p><p>On the bright side, she has the decency to pick a show with a bachelorette instead of a bachelor. Actually, it’s more of the dim side. Like a lamp except broken and on the verge of setting the room on fire.</p><p>But it’s the small mercies in life. </p><p>“Hi, I’m Ruby,” greets one of Emma’s fellow contestants, holding her hand out for Emma to shake. </p><p>She’s tall, grinning excitedly about something, and is wearing a neon red outfit that would stand out in any setting, let alone a grey and beige house such as this. Not that Emma’s doing much better on that front. </p><p>Mary Margaret had tried to get her to wear something other than torn skinny jeans, a tank top that may or may not have a coffee stain on the side, and a bright but not as eye bleeding red leather jacket, but Emma refuses to take advice from someone who randomly signs people up for dating shows.</p><p>Even if, in retrospect, it was probably good advice because there’s a camera woman off to the side pointing at her with a nasty expression, and Emma’s pretty sure it’s because her outfit is perfectly designed to clash with every aspect of this house.</p><p>But on the other hand, the lady is wearing a light blue dress that looks like a jellyfish going to prom, so maybe she won’t be taking advice from her either.  </p><p>“You’re another contestant, right? Barely anyone is here yet. It’s so boring,” she bemoans. Her grip is surprisingly strong, and Ruby either doesn’t notice or ignores her small wince. </p><p>“Yeah,” Emma says, shoving her hands in her jacket pockets. “Why is no one else here?”</p><p>“I don’t know.” Ruby shrugs. “Well, actually it might have to do with the fact we’re an hour early, but who knows really,” she says. “Wanna explore this place with me?” </p><p>“Do I have a choice?”</p><p>“Nope. We’re show besties now. It is decided.” </p>
<hr/><p>Marian is nothing if not extremely persuasive. Especially when Zelena is involved because Zelena is a baseball being thrown into a window, and she will bounce through every window in the house until you agree. </p><p>You’d think they’d be happy enough that she agreed to lead their marketing team, but no. </p><p>“<em> We need twenty four candidates to meet our roster goal, and we only have twenty three. All of our other options fell through. I can’t do this show unless you fill that spot for us </em>,” Marian claimed, and when that didn’t work, she continued with some good old fashioned begging and bribery. </p><p>They are both very lucky she needs a new phone. </p><p>“And since we’ve run out of rooms, this is where you’ll be staying,” Zelena says, proudly displaying a suspiciously cozy supply closet. </p><p>A small sleeping bag is laid out on the floor while the cleaning supplies the closet is meant for are neatly stacked on both sides. Books are stacked beside the pillow, and a reading light is slapped on the wall, and it’s clear Zelena has genuinely put work into it for her comfort. </p><p>Which would not be that terrible were it not for the fact there’s a giant brown stain on the sleeping bag from the leaking ceiling and also what might be two feral rats inside the bag, crawling around at the end, chewing on it from the inside. </p><p>“You’re joking, right?” She probably is— Regina hopes she is, <em> really </em>hopes, but it’s always hard to tell when it comes to Zelena. </p><p>“Of course I am. You’re staying with the rest of the contestants down the hall.” </p><p>Regina breathes a sigh of relief, but also— </p><p>“Did you really do all of that set up for one joke?” </p><p>“Yep. Completely worth it. Your face was priceless,” she says shamelessly as they make their way to Regina’s actual room.</p><p>Regina’s suitcase is already sitting in the open closet with an unfamiliar one sat right beside it. </p><p>It’s an hour before contestants are set to arrive which makes it especially weird, and upon further inspection, that is not the strangest part.</p><p>Two women are already there playing a board game on one of the beds, neither noticing the two of them still in the doorway. </p><p>“Zelena?” Regina mutters, startling them both. </p><p>One of them, a blonde woman wearing a godawful red jacket, tumbles off the bed with wide eyes. Pieces from the game go flying as she uselessly claws at the board, and the other woman, a brunette woman with a red streak in her hair, stares in shocked amusement. </p><p>“I’m not cleaning this up for you,” Zelena says after a moment of total silence. “Why are you even here?” she adds a moment later. </p><p>“I got the time zones wrong,” says the brunette woman. </p><p>“My roommate made me leave early,” says the blonde from the floor. </p><p>“Interesting,” Regina mutters, trying not to grimace. </p><p>If this is any indicator of what’s to come, at least it’ll be entertaining. Who knows what else will happen. </p><p>Maybe one of her ex-girlfriends is one of the contestants.  </p>
<hr/><p>As it turns out, yes, one of her ex-girlfriends is a contestant. Two actually. </p><p>She’s able to spot them from a mile away, even amongst the crowd of twenty one other contestants in the main room. </p><p>“Hello, Tink. Hey, Mal,” she greets, giving them both greeting hugs. Maybe the universe doesn’t hate her completely after all because Mal and Tink are two of the few ex’s she remains on good terms with. </p><p>Friendly terms even. If she were someone who willingly made friends. </p><p>She isn’t, no matter what Marian foolishly claims. </p><p>“It’s been so long, Regina. You should call more,” Tink chides, giving her a light tap on the shoulder. </p><p>“Why am I the one who has to call?” </p><p>“You’re the one who moved. You’re the one who has to keep our friendship bond strong.” </p><p>“You could at least text,” Mal says solemnly. </p><p>“I texted you earlier today,” Regina points out. She did. Granted, <em> We’ll talk soon </em>isn’t much of a message, but they can’t deny the fact she texted them today. “Why didn’t you ever tell me you were doing this?” </p><p>Tink shrugs. “It never came up,” she says, as if this is a normal topic of conversation. </p><p>“I never thought you’d sign up for one of these.” At Regina’s grimace, Mal gets a knowing look. “Zelena?”</p><p>“Zelena,” she confirms. </p><p>“What can’t Zelena do?” Mal muses, and a moment later, the lights are dimmed and a spotlight is pointed towards one of the doors. </p><p>Zelena walks out wearing one of Regina’s old Halloween dresses - the dress she wore years ago when she went as the Evil Queen and also got banned from a Wal-mart, to be exact - sauntering towards the crowd with Marian behind her. </p><p>And then she trips. </p><p>A series of curses follow her fall, and Marian rushes to help her back up. </p><p>“How the fuck do you walk in this thing?” Zelena says into the darkness, vaguely in Regina’s direction. </p><p>“Apparently walk in a dress,” Regina mutters wryly to Mal. </p><p>She brushes herself off, continuing her dramatic entrance. “Greetings, contestants!” The lights are turning on again, and suddenly the room looks a lot more green than before. “I am Zelena.”</p><p>“What the fuck is she doing?” Tink says in bemusement. </p><p>“I heard that, spinach girl!” Zelena mutters something scathing under her breath before shaking herself out of it. “I am Zelena Mills, the host of this show. And this,” she pulls Marian beside her, “Is our lovely bachelorette. Isn’t she just so cute?” </p><p>“I will fire you,” Marian threatens, swatting away Zelena’s hands. “No cheek pinching.”  </p><p>Zelena sighs dramatically. “Well, I think you get the point anyways.” She perks up again a moment later with a wicked look in her eye. “Anyways, I did not go through all of this effort for no reason. Now that all of our contestants are here, may the wooing commence!” </p><p>“Huh?” says Tink with a worried expression, looking to an equally confused Regina for more information. </p><p>“At midnight tonight, at the house pool, our first game will begin,” she says. “Dress to impress, my pretties. If you dare.”</p>
<hr/><p>“Is she going to dunk us?” Tink asks as she rummages through her suitcase. </p><p>“With Zelena you can never be sure. Remember our trip to Finland.” She realizes her mistake mere seconds after the words are out of her mouth. </p><p>“You mean when you—” </p><p>“Shut up,” Regina says with a slight blush. </p><p>The room is hot. That’s all it is. </p><p>“Feeling a bit out of the loop here,” says one of their other roommates; the blonde one from earlier. She’s been watching them for the past few minutes, and if she continues, Regina is going to start making assumptions.</p><p>Because you do not spend this much time staring at someone unless you’re getting intel on them or you have a crush on them. </p><p>And this is Marian’s dating show. Contestants do not get crushes on each other. </p><p>“Aren’t we all when it comes to Zelena,” Tink says, shaking her head solemnly. “But if you’re really curious—“ </p><p>“Tink, I encourage you to think before you say anything more. There’s a correct answer here, and there’s a very, very wrong one.”</p><p>“Well, if you didn’t have a stick up—“ </p><p>“Do you two know each other or something? I thought this was, like, a randomly selected thing?” </p><p>“Unfortunately.” </p><p>“Yep, we’re the best of friends!” </p><p>“We are not,” Regina denies vehemently, glaring at Tink, but this is decidedly the wrong move to make because Tink only grins. </p><p>“If we aren’t best friends how do you explain the fact I know you played the trombone for four years then spent a year in a band.” </p><p>“I will drown you, clover girl.” </p><p>“Promises, promises. Wasn’t that a lyric in one—”</p><p>“I am serious. I will fill your clothes with rocks and throw you in.” </p><p>“Violent. I’m getting shivers. Say it again.” </p><p>“I’m going to hold you underwater myself.” </p>
<hr/><p>Ruby is surprisingly good company. Sure, Emma has no doubt they’ll both be called to the reality TV version of a principal's office and probably kicked off at some point, but it’ll be entertaining. </p><p>“Who do you think’s gonna hook up?” Ruby asks, sipping the provided fruit punch at the makeshift snack bar a short distance from the pool. There’s a broken edge to one of the tables, just like every other light seems to be broken on the string lights hanging from post to post, and you’d really think a show like this would have a better budget. </p><p>Especially considering the fact they’re staying in a house bigger than Emma’s entire apartment complex. </p><p>“Isn’t the whole point of this to try and date Marian?” she asks, because she’s not actually sure. Mary Margaret didn’t exactly give her too many details on the way over.</p><p>It was more of a “<em> Emma, this is for your own good” </em> kinda thing than a “ <em> Emma, I’m forwarding you an email so you don’t make an ass out of yourself” </em>kinda thing. </p><p>“I mean, yeah, but that doesn’t mean we’re all gonna date her. There’s no harm in doing a little devil’s disco under the sheets when the cameras are off,” Ruby replies with a wink. </p><p>“Devil’s disco,” she repeats, staring at Ruby. “I can’t say I’ve ever heard that before.”</p><p>“Life is a lot more fun when you start making things up. What’s a bazonkadoink? Who knows honestly. It can be whatever I say it is.” </p><p>“You have a very interesting approach to life.” Whether that’s an insult or a compliment remains to be seen. </p><p>“Yeah, yeah. Now tell me more about the lady you’re crushing on.”</p><p>“That I’m— what? I’m not crushing on anyone here.”</p><p>“Okay, then why have you been looking at her all night? I swear, you’re paying more attention to her than me, your dating show bestie.” Ruby pouts dramatically, and they aren’t nearly close enough for it to work.</p><p>Though, maybe it would work if that lady—</p><p>No. Just no. </p><p>She is not going to think about the hot brunette roommate who somehow knows the host and is friends with other contestants but not her for some reason. </p><p>“I have <em> not </em>been looking at anyone here,” Emma denies with a firm tone, leaving no room up for discussion. </p><p>Ruby gives her a look.</p><p>A very disbelieving and amused look, a look that makes it clear she’d believe a talking bear claw over Emma.</p><p>“Okay, try telling her that. She’s coming over.”</p><p>Emma jolts out of her skin, looking around frantically like a dog with a towel over it’s head. Except, the lady is still over there with the two blondes and someone who might actually be Marian herself. </p><p>“You’re an asshole, you know?”</p><p>“I get that at least once a month,” Ruby admits with a shrug. </p><p>Trumpets begin blaring, and Emma’s been here long enough to know it’s probably Zelena making another grand entrance. </p><p>She’s proven right a moment later when Zelena’s voice booms from the speakers. </p><p>“Ladies and gentlemen, I welcome you to our first event! Harassing my sister!”</p><p>“Excuse me?” Ah, so hot brunette lady is Zelena’s sister. That’s an interesting development. “No one will be ‘harassing’ me tonight, Zelena. <em> No one</em>.” </p><p>“Yeah, yeah. Whatever, spoilsport.” Zelena lets out a dramatic, loud sigh that sounds a lot like someone blowing into a microphone. </p><p>Except ten times louder and done by someone who should never be left alone with equipment like this. </p><p>“Since my sister refuses to take the stick out of her ass, I suppose we must go with plan B: capture the flag,” Zelena says mournfully, somehow making capture the flag sound like a funeral for international sports. </p><p>“What does capture the flag have to do with dating?” Emma ponders aloud. </p><p>Ruby shrugs again. “No idea.” </p><p>“Can everyone please make your way down the light up pathway in the grass, and await further instructions. Thank you. Single file please. No ones dying unless I kill them.” </p>
<hr/><p>“Remind me again why I let your sister host this for me,” Marian mutters.</p><p>“I tried to talk you out of it.” </p><p>“Capture the flag… This is going to be an interesting few weeks, huh?” </p><p>“Isn’t it always with Zelena? This isn’t even the first time she’s done capture the flag matchmaking. She tried this when I was twelve too.” </p><p>“How does that even work? Are you supposed to kiss someone while capturing their flag?” Tink questions. All four of them share a look. Maybe they should start their own dating show at this point. </p><p>“Well, she had my entire class play tackle capture the flag for the chance to ask me out to the school dance,” says Regina. “Two people broke their arms,” she adds a moment later.</p><p>They all wince. </p><p>“Who won?” asks Tink. </p><p>“No one won that day,” she says gravely. </p><p>“That is where you’re wrong, dearest sister. I won that day,” says an approaching Zelena, making Regina jump. “It was glorious. So much chaos—“</p><p>“You need a bell!” </p><p>“You know, she isn’t that bad looking. I’ll give you that. I didn’t take you for the matchmaker type, though.” </p><p>Regina glares at her with enough fury to make anyone cower. Except Zelena is far from anyone, she exists in a world of her own. </p><p>“I think she has a crush on Ruby, though,” says Tink with a thoughtful look. “They were pretty chummy at lunch earlier.”</p><p>“Perfect.” Wickedly, she beams. </p><p>“Perfect for what exactly?” </p><p>Expertly, Zelena quirky changes the subject. “So, I see you four have not lined up yet for tonight’s game. Care to explain why?” </p><p>“You announced it a minute ago,” says Mal.</p><p>“I did not,” Zelena scoffs. </p><p>Mal looks down at her watch. “Sorry, a minute and twenty eight seconds.” </p><p>“That is a minute and thirty seconds too many. Get in the line. We’re going to have <em> fun </em> tonight.” </p>
<hr/><p>Fun, as it turns out, is code for ‘<em> someone is breaking a leg tonight </em>’. </p><p>“I’m not seeing enough action over there! Are you people even trying?” Zelena yells through a megaphone by the sidelines. </p><p>“Your sister is a menace to society,” says Tink, dodging the brown haired man attempting to tackle her. He reaches for one of her green flags, and she kicks him in the face. </p><p>A horn blares, and everyone freezes in place, turning to Zelena. “The flag has been captured for over a minute,” she proudly announces. “Is what I would have said were all of you not cowards! Get back to it! I want to see blood!”</p><p>“How has she not been fired? Is this ethical?” asks one of the contestants - Belle if she’s not mistaken. </p><p>“No idea,” says the blonde from earlier with a shrug. </p><p>“This has to be some kind of ethics violation…”</p><p>“I think you’re cute when you say pretty words,” says the brunette with the red streak from before. She’s grinning dopely, completely ignoring the chaos around them. </p><p>Belle blushes, muttering something too quiet for Regina to pick up on. </p><p>“This is so pathetic! Where is your energy? Let’s get excited, people!” </p><p>“I’m going to kill your sister,” Tink mutters with complete sincerity. </p><p>“I’ll help you hide the body.”</p><p>“No, I’m going to jail for it. I will admit in a court of law that I did it, and everyone there will rejoice.” </p><p>Regina isn’t given a chance to reply before a woman is tumbling into her, accidentally pinning her to the grass.</p><p>Brown eyes stare into green for a long moment until— </p><p>“I am so sorry,” she says, scrambling off of Regina. “I didn’t mean to do that. I was pushed. I’m so sorry. Are you hurt? Did I hurt you?” she asks in a rush. </p><p>“It’s fine,” Regina says slowly, getting a better look at this woman. She’s much more gorgeous up close. Not that she isn’t pretty from afar. </p><p>“I’m Swan,” she says, helping them both to their feet. “I mean Emma. Emma Swan. Swan is my last name.” She laughs nervously, and it’s cute... almost. </p><p>Almost being the key word because this woman very well might have bruised her ribs. </p><p>“Regina,” she says, holding out a hand. </p><p>Emma shakes it, and maybe it isn’t the best time to do a handshake greeting because four other contestants are fighting with each other a hair’s length away. </p><p>“That’s a pretty name,” says Emma. Maybe it’s the broken lights, but she looks to be blushing. “I’m sorry. See you later,” she says, speeding away before Regina can get another word in. </p><p>“That’s the lady from earlier right? The roommate?” Tink asks, emerging from the crowd with messy hair and a slightly ripped shirt. </p><p>Regina hums. “Yes, she knocked me over and then fled. Very charming.” </p><p>“Well, you’ve always had a love for clumsy blondes. I’ll be fighting Mal for the maid of honor title.”</p><p>“Shut up.” </p>
<hr/><p>“What the hell are you doing?” Ruby asks from the doorway. </p><p>Emma looks up from the suitcase she’s packing, looking at Ruby with haunted eyes. “Leaving,” she says, throwing another shirt in. </p><p>“Why?” </p><p>“Remember the pretty lady you kept saying I had a crush on?”</p><p>Ruby nods. “Yeah? Does she hate dogs or something? Kick puppies?” </p><p>“No. Well, I don’t think so. Probably not,” Emma says thoughtfully. She shakes herself. “I made a fool out of myself and now I have to leave and never show my face here again.” </p><p>“That seems a little dramatic. Was she really mad or something?” </p><p>Emma freezes. No, Regina didn’t seem that mad. </p><p>But that’s the worst kind of anger; the anger you have no idea exists because they’re so furious with you because you broke a vase while teaching her class of third graders how to play softball. </p><p>Hypothetical situation, of course. </p><p>“Listen, just apologize to her. It can’t be that bad if she hasn’t killed you already.” </p><p>“That is a very low bar, Ruby.” </p><p>“Gotta lower the bar enough that no one can win the limbo game of life. Tried and true technique.” </p><p>“I really don’t think that’s a—”</p><p>“Don’t you have a girl to impress or something? Stop questioning me and go make me proud, bestie.” </p><p>“But I don’t even know where she is? I mean, she hasn’t come back to the room yet obviously. It’s almost two in the morning. What if she’s too mad to sleep here?” </p><p>Ruby shrugs. “I dunno.” </p><p>Emma looks at her incredulously. “Not helping.” </p><p>“Wasn’t trying to.” </p>
<hr/><p>After a few minutes of searching the absurdly large house, Emma eventually finds Regina sitting by the pool. </p><p>“Hey,” she greets, taking a seat in the chair beside her. Based on the way Regina tenses, maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.</p><p>“Not Zelena. Thank god,” she mutters to herself, relaxing. “Hello,” she returns a moment later. </p><p>“I just wanted to, uh, apologize again for earlier. I didn't mean to knock you over like that. I’m not usually that clumsy. No matter what Mary Margaret says.” </p><p>Regina looks at her in confusion. “Who’s Mary Margaret?” </p><p>“Oh, she’s my roommate. Back home. We share an apartment. Not here, of course— but you already know that, don’t you? Yeah. Since we share a room and all—”</p><p>“You ramble a lot. Do you know that?” </p><p>“Yeah, sorry,” Emma says sheepishly. “But again, I really wanted to apologize for bumping into you. And also make sure you aren’t mad at me or something.” She laughs nervously at Regina’s impassive face. </p><p>“Not mad,” is all she says. </p><p>“Oh. Great then.” They sit beside each other in awkward silence. “Wow, isn’t it hot outside? I’m practically sweating to death. How about the weather? What are your thoughts?” </p><p>“I think it’s nice enough. Warmer than Maine at least.” </p><p>“Oh, are you from Maine? Me too. Small world, huh?” </p><p>“Maine was one of the places with the heaviest advertising. Half of the people here are from Maine. Not that small of a world,” says Regina. “Also, I moved here from Maine almost five years ago.”</p><p>“Interesting,” Emma says to herself because why Maine of all places? Florida or California seems like they’d have a lot more interesting people. “Why’d you move?”</p><p>“Work. Why’d you decide to do this show? You don’t seem like the type.”</p><p>“Yeah, I’m not. My roommate basically just told me to pack some things then the next thing I know we’re on our way to New York because she wants me to start dating again.” </p><p>“That… That is a very interesting way to get back into dating.”</p><p>Emma nods solemnly. “I know.” </p><p>“Does she do things like that often?” Regina asks, bemused. </p><p>“I mean, not really. She spends most of her day teaching eight year olds addition. Completely harmless usually. But when she gets ideas, there’s no stopping her. She’s like a very persistent bluejay, ya know?”</p><p>Regina hums. “Zelena’s like that. A lot more intense about it, as you are likely aware, but once she gets an idea in her head…” Regina shakes her head with a grim expression. “She once talked our principal into buying her a hamster.” </p><p>“Like a class pet?”</p><p>“No, I mean this teenage girl bullied a grown man into buying her a hamster. She named it Walsh, and she spent the next three years of high school spoiling him.”</p><p>“You’re just fucking with me right?”</p><p>“I assure you, I am dead serious. I have pictures. He was quite the handsome animal.”</p><p>“Wow,” Emma says, leaning back. </p><p>“I know.” </p><p>“So,” Emma says after a moment of silence. </p><p>“So,” Regina echoes. </p><p>“I already told you why I’m here, so why are <em> you </em> here?”  </p><p>“Would you believe me if I said I signed up purely for the chance to date Marian?”</p><p>“Not really,” Emma admits. “Sorry, was that rude?”</p><p>Regina chuckles. “No, in actuality I was bribed into it. The show had a required amount of contestants needed, and Marian knows that I’ve been needing a new phone.” </p><p>“Oh? Why’s that? If you don’t mind me asking, of course. You don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to.” </p><p>“It’s fine. I wouldn’t have mentioned it were it not fine,” Regina assures. “My son broke my old one. It was Zelena’s fault, really. She encouraged him.” </p><p>“You have a son?” Emma asks with a little too much shock.  </p><p>“Yes,” Regina says slowly, narrowing her eyes at Emma. “Is that a problem?” </p><p>“No! No, of course it isn’t. I’m just surprised. I didn’t expect anyone here to have, like, kids or something.” </p><p>“Well, I do.” </p><p>“No, I’m sorry. Please, tell me about him. I didn’t mean for that to sound like a bad thing. I like kids. My roommate has like thirty. Please?” </p><p>“His name is Henry, he’s six, and I adopted him as a baby,” Regina says slowly, studying Emma’s reaction carefully. </p><p>“You adopted him?” Regina nods once. “That’s cool. Lucky kid. I was never adopted. Bet I would’ve turned out better if I had a mom like you.” </p><p>“You seem to be doing a fine job on your own, dear.”</p><p>“You’ve known me for maybe a few hours,” Emma says with a slight blush. </p><p>“It’s been a pleasant few hours.” </p><p>“Really?”</p><p>“Of course,” says Regina. “Was it not pleasant for you?”</p><p>“No!” Emma says quickly. “No, I just wasn’t sure if it was for you. I mean, you already pointed it out, but I tend to ramble a lot. Also, our first meeting was me falling off a bed, and then our second was me falling on you.” </p><p>“You knocked me over, Miss Swan. You didn’t pin me to the ground and break both my arms,” Regina says with a slight smirk threatening to form. </p><p>“Of course not. That happens on the fourth date.” </p>
<hr/><p>“Well, someones smitten,” Tink says with a grin, taking a seat beside her on one of the garden benches.</p><p>Because of course this house has a grand garden with blooming flowers as far as the eye can see. </p><p>As if a pool, picnic area, and multiple sports areas isn’t enough for one backyard.</p><p>“I am not,” Regina denies, refusing to look up from her new phone. </p><p>“Yes, you are. You’re totally crushing on our roommate. Regina Mills has a big fat crush—”</p><p>“Stop that. We’re not children.”</p><p>“Are you sure? Because this feels a lot like it.” </p><p>“Everything Zelena does feels childish. You heard about her plans for next week right?”</p><p>“<em> Next week? </em>I’m more worried about what she has planned today. But I know what you’re trying to do. You’re avoiding the real questions here.”</p><p>“What questions? You haven’t asked me any questions?” </p><p>“Well, since you asked, when do you plan on hooking up with her?”</p><p>“May I remind you, we’ve known each other for two days.” </p><p>“Aww. Are you two taking it slow? Waiting until the third date? You are just so precious!” Tink says patronizingly.  </p><p>“Oh, would you hush. You all need a new hobby.” </p><p>“But annoying you is so fun. You’d miss it if we stopped.” </p><p>Regina rolls her eyes, setting her phone on her lap. “Whatever you need to tell yourselves. Did you come out here for a reason or purely to annoy me?” </p><p>“A little of both,” Tink admits without a hint of shame. “Zelena wanted someone to tell you that today’s event is actually happening before lunch instead of after, and Marian’s avoiding her while Mal’s too busy flirting with the other contestants.” </p><p>“Isn’t she supposed to be flirting with Marian? Isn’t that the whole point of this?”</p><p>“They didn’t tell you? I thought Marian would’ve by now…” Tink says to herself. </p><p>“Tell me what?”</p><p>“Nevermind. We’re going to be late for today’s event. We should get going.”</p><p>“No, what does Marian need to tell me?”</p><p>“Oh look. We have five minutes before we’re late. We should really hurry.”</p><p>“Don’t think I’m forgetting about this, Tink! The minute this is over, you’re telling me everything. Do you hear me? Everything!” </p>
<hr/><p>“Ladies and gentleman, can I please get a drumroll?” Zelena says, standing on the stage of the house’s small theater room. </p><p>Enough people comply to make a stomping rumble, and Zelena gets annoyed a moment later. </p><p>“Ok, that’s enough. Calm down,” she says as if she hadn’t demanded them to do it a moment earlier. “Anyways, today's event is… speed dating!” She applauds herself, ignoring the confused murmurings. “Everyone will be given a three minute time window to talk to our lovely Marian, and in the meantime, you will rotate to a new person every three minutes and entertain yourselves. There is no boredom in this house!” </p><p>“That… is surprisingly normal,” says Mal. Regina nods in agreement, eyes still narrowed in suspicion at her sister. </p><p>“We will also be eliminating more people!” Zelena says gleefully. </p><p>“Wait, more?” Regina says. </p><p>“No matter how quietly you try to say it, I still can hear you, dearest sister! Yes, more people. Have you seriously not noticed the fact there’s only twenty two of you now? Not everything revolves around you,” Zelena says with a dramatic sigh. “Sisters, am I right?” </p><p>No one laughs. </p><p>“Tough crowd tonight,” she mutters. She clears her throat. “Since our crew still needs time to set up, our event will be starting in ten minutes,” Zelena informs. “There was a very unfortunate accident with the garden hose earlier.”</p><p>“You’re the one who was spraying people!” shouts a man in the crowd.</p><p>“Yeah, yeah. Semantics.” Zelena rolls her eyes. “I will be seeing you all in ten minutes. I have an intern to fire,” she mutters, hopping off the stage and walking through a side door. </p><p>“We have ten minutes to kill. What do you suppose we do?” Mal says with a joking smirk.</p><p>“That might be enough time for a quickie,” Regina deadpans. </p>
<hr/><p>The speed dating event is something Regina expected going in, and yet it still blindsides her. Like a cat knocking over a vase. </p><p>Inevitable, but always surprising in the moment. </p><p>It comes off to an all together not terrible start. She’s immediately paired with a man with round glasses and messy red hair wearing an outfit that infantalizes him and ages him twenty years simultaneously. </p><p>“Hi. Uh, I’m Archie.” He holds out a hand for her to shake. </p><p>And she does. Reluctantly.</p><p>Two minutes and thirty six seconds to go.</p><p>Without any conversation naturally flowing, the man seems to blurt out the first thing he can think of. “I’m a therapist. What do you do?”</p><p>“I work in marketing,” is all she offers. He isn’t deterred by her less than enthusiastic reply in the slightest. </p><p>“Oh, that’s neat. I also have a dog. His name is Pongo, and he’s very loving. A dalmatian. Do you have any pets?” </p><p>“Yes,” she replies, once again offering no follow up or elaboration. He does not get the hint. </p><p>“Well, uh, I guess I’m from Maine. That’s something. I work as a therapist— I mentioned that before, didn’t it? I’m sorry.” He laughs nervously. “But I’ve lived there my whole life.”</p><p>“That’s nice.” </p><p>“Yeah, I guess. So, uh, wow. Still a minute left, huh? Wanna tell me a few things about yourself?”</p><p>“No.” </p><p>Archie blinks, staring at her for a long moment. “May I make an observation?” </p><p>“I suppose,” Regina says with narrowing eyes. He clears his throat and adjusts his glasses. </p><p>“Well, based on your short responses, general demeanor, and all I know about you so far, I can only assume that you have been through some kind of trauma. Maybe the loss of a loved one or an intense betrayal.” </p><p>He gives her a kind, compassionate look. The look of a therapist trying to get a patient to open up.</p><p>“Your unwillingness to share leads me to believe you’ve developed issues of sorts when it comes to trusting others. You’re afraid of getting close to them because you’re so used to that turning into a bad thing.” </p><p>The audacity of this—</p><p>She does <em> not </em>. At all. </p><p>“Switch!” yells Zelena, slamming her hand loudly onto a buzzer. </p><p>“Oh, look at the time! I think it’s time for us all to switch,” Regina says quickly, eagerly moving away from him. </p><p>“Hello,” says the next woman who introduces herself as Ursula. “Please don’t ask about the name,” she adds a moment later.  </p><p>“Regina,” she says. “So, we’ve got two and a half minutes left on the clock. Tell me about yourself.” </p><p>“Well, I’m currently working as a marine biologist, my favorite color is purple, and I can juggle six things at once. Seven if the items are larger.” </p><p>“Impressive,” Regina murmurs. “I’m the chief of this show’s marketing team, my favorite color is also purple, and I do not know how to juggle.”</p><p>“You work here? Isn’t that a conflict of interest?”</p><p>“Probably,” she says casually. “But Zelena got away with telling us to break bones, so I think that’s the least of our legal team’s worries.”</p><p>“That’s true,” Ursula says, nodding along. “I’m a lawyer. Or, at least that’s what I went to college for before I found out my true calling was sea life. I’ve been working at an aquarium for a while. Never been happier.” </p><p>“Oh? Consider my interest peaked. Why don’t you tell me more about that,” Regina says, finding her interest peaked for the first time during this event.</p><p>Who doesn’t like a good fun fact about sea creatures? </p><p>After a few facts that are especially fun have been traded, the buzzard beeps again, and they switch. A few rounds of this go by before she bumps into anyone halfway decent. </p><p>“Regina,” says Emma, her eyes lighting up in pleasant surprise. </p><p>“Hello, Miss Swan,” says Regina with the slightest incline of her head. </p><p>“You can call me Emma, you know? I can’t remember the last time someone besides you called me ‘Miss Swan’. I don’t think my teachers even called me that.” </p><p>“That simply makes me unique then. A new experience for you. I have to keep you on your feet.” </p><p>“You always do,” Emma says with a slight blush that makes Regina extremely curious. Emma shakes herself. “So…”</p><p>“So,” Regina echoes, eyebrow quirking. </p><p>“So, uh, how have your ‘dates’ been so far? Terrible? Not terrible?” </p><p>“Archie gave me a free therapy session, Ursula taught me about river dolphins, Neal gave me lock picking instructions, Jefferson gave me the number of his hat shop, and Cruella gave me a lesson on dog anatomy.” </p><p>“What now? What was that last one? Did I— How’d that come up? Do I want to know?” </p><p>“She said it’s her go to conversation starter as a veterinarian.”</p><p>Emma blinks. “Remind me to think of some different conversations when I get to her.” </p><p>“Of course, dear.” </p><p>A moment of comfortable silence passes between them. “Did she mention which dog?” </p><p>“Would you believe me if I said dalmations?” </p><p>“Oh my god…” The buzzer rings out again before Emma can ask any questions about the apparent Disney villain wanna-be amongst them. </p><p>“Oh, thank god. Marian,” Regina says with a relieved sigh. “One of those guys kept trying to sell me hats, and I think another was trying to get me to steal watches with him. Where did Zelena find these people?”  </p><p>Marian shrugs. “You’re the one who did the advertising. How am I supposed to know.” </p><p>“Yes, but you’re the bachelorette. Didn’t Zelena have you approve of them before the show?”</p><p>Marian shakes her head. “No, I think she stamped papers at random, honestly,” Marian admits. “She went through the stack in a few minutes, and she’s not nearly a fast enough reader to do that.” </p><p>“That sounds very Zelena,” Regina agrees. </p><p>“Tink tells me you have a crush, though. On one of the candidates.” </p><p>Regina blushes. “I do not,” she denies weakly, pointedly ignoring the images of Emma popping into her mind. “Tink is making things up. I am only here by force. I hate all of you.” </p><p>“Oh my god, she’s right,” Marian says, grinning. “Regina has a little crush. How precious.” </p><p>“I’m going to burn this house to the ground,” Regina mutters darkly. </p><p>“A barbeque isn’t a bad idea.” </p>
<hr/><p>Somehow, Tink and Killian get eliminated. </p><p>“I still don’t understand how you can fail at <em> speed dating,” </em>Regina says for the hundredth time, handing Tink the shirts she retrieved from the washing machine. </p><p>Tink shrugs, setting the stack on the bed beside her suitcase. “Don’t look at me. I don’t know how the hell Zelena’s mind works.” </p><p>Which, granted, none of them do. Zelena’s mind is a hellish place that would take more than a few degrees to truly comprehend. </p><p>“I’m gonna miss annoying you in person like this,” Tink says, suddenly looking up at her with sad eyes. </p><p>“You can drive up to visit some time. You do realize that, correct? It’s maybe a five hour drive.”</p><p>“I mean, yeah, but you know me well enough to know I’d get distracted by buildings on the way. Five hours Regina time is fifteen hours Tink time.” </p><p>“I suppose that’s true,” she says, nodding along. </p><p>“You should come up for the holidays some time. Bring the kid too. I miss him,” says Tink. A smirk appears on her face without warning. “Bring Emma too,” she says, wiggling her eyebrows. </p><p>“Excuse me?”</p><p>She shrugs innocently. “What? Just a suggestion.” </p><p>Regina rolls her eyes. “Maybe it’s a good thing you’re leaving. One less person to annoy me.” </p><p>“You wound me. I will be leaving this house with a broken heart because of your words,” she states in a solemn tone, shaking her head sadly.</p><p>“You are all so dramatic. And you have the audacity to say <em> I’m </em>the dramatic one.” </p><p>“Well, you are. I think it runs in the family.”</p><p>“I am <em> not </em> Zelena level dramatic. She’s the one who started a rival basketball team when the school banned us from playing. I’m the one who started playing a different sport.” </p><p>Tink waves her off. “Same difference.” </p><p>“No, it’s not—“ </p><p>“Oh, would you look at the time. I’d love to argue with you, but I better get going before Zelena accuses me of trying to trick my way into staying,” Tink says, zipping up her suitcase. “Walk me out?”</p><p>“Of course,” Regina sighs. </p>
<hr/><p>“I thought you said the obstacle course was today's event,” shouts Ruby, eyes wide with justified horror, nearly dropping the ball when it comes to dodging the dodgeball. </p><p>“Oh, it was. This is just for my own amusement. And the amusement of our viewers,” says Zelena, giving the camera a big grin and thumbs up, and hurling another two at fearful candidates. “Look alive people!”</p><p>“She destroyed my sandwich,” Emma says with a pout, staring at the remains of her grilled cheese. The perpetrator - a red dodgeball - rolls away from her, running like the coward it is, all the while covered in cheese it stole. "Throw some things! Start a food fight! Break a light!” </p><p>“Don’t break a light! If you do, you’ll be paying for it!” Marian cuts in, safely standing on the sidelines beside a horrified yet fascinated Regina. </p><p>Except, her statement is useless due to the fact Zelena breaks a ceiling light mid-sentence. “And I’ll do it again, you cowards!” </p><p>“You’re not using the rest of our budget to pay for that.” </p><p>“Wait, she hasn’t used all of it?” Ruby asks, turning to Emma. </p><p>She shrugs. “No idea. You’re asking the wrong person here.” </p><p>“You’re dating her sister. That has to give you at least some perks.” </p><p>“I’m not— What? Where did you get that idea from? It isn’t like that.” </p><p>“Ok, fine. Hooking up with—”</p><p>“Ruby! We’re not doing that. We’re friends. That’s it. Now can you— Duck!” </p><p>Both of them crouch down, shielding their faces from the two purple balls being flung at Zelena. </p><p>Which really isn’t a good idea, especially when one of them actually manages to hit her. Zelena gasps dramatically, murder in her eyes. She scans over the crowd, narrowing her eyes as if scanning them for any sign of the crime. </p><p>“Which one of you threw that?” she asks, voice deathly calm. </p><p>All eyes look accusingly at each other, desperate to pin the blame on anyone else. Zelena is a menace as it is.</p><p>Who knows what she’ll do to someone who’s lightly grazed her precious leg with a dodgeball. </p><p>Emma’s eyes shift over to Belle who seems especially fidgety. Ruby follows suit without subtly which quickly proves to be a mistake. </p><p>Zelena immediately catches on, causing Belle’s eyes to widen. Just as Belle opens her mouth to apologize, Regina steps forward and clears her throat. </p><p>“I threw it,” she announces. “I threw that ball at you in hopes of getting you to shut up.” A plausible motive but technically impossible to do from where Regina has been standing. </p><p>Not that Zelena notices. Or cares. </p><p>“Oh, sis! I didn’t know you had it in you.” She grins wickedly at her. “But I am afraid your crimes cannot go unpunished!” </p><p>“So be it.” </p>
<hr/><p>Regina doesn’t leave the group for the rest of the day, but she spends most of it on edge. As if waiting for Zelena’s surprise attack.</p><p>It doesn’t come though. Well, a booth of some kind ends up in the yard, but nothing happens with it. </p><p>Instead, the show moves on. </p><p>Zelena <em> really </em> should not have been given such a large budget by the network. </p><p>The remaining twelve contestants stand in the backyard field, in a circle, each with two buckets of water balloons filled with paint by their feet. </p><p>Zelena gleefully stands on the sidelines, wearing a rainsuit, boots, and safety glasses. Three luxuries she has not offered any of them. </p><p>“On my whistle, the game will begin! Are you all ready?” </p><p>They all reluctantly nod. </p><p>“Three, two, one!” </p><p>She blows the whistle loud enough to startle multiple birds out of multiple trees. Regina has no idea exactly how many, however, because as soon as the whistle is blown, a balloon is smacked into her face. </p><p>“Are you okay?” asks Emma, helping her wipe it off her eyes. </p><p>“Hey! No teaming up! Throw a balloon at my sister or walk away!” </p><p>“Sorry,” Emma whispers. She holds her hands up in surrender, walking away backwards from Regina who is struggling to see again. “Ouch! Hey!” Emma shouts, rearing around to glare at the person who threw a balloon at her back. </p><p>“Hey! I’m just playing the game! No hard feelings,” August says with a defensive shrug. His words are immediately invalidated by the two balloons he throws at Emma. </p><p>Regina blindly throws one in his general direction, and a moment later August is hissing in pain. “Did you play fucking softball or something?” </p><p>“Yes, she did! Now hit him harder! I know you can. Don’t hold back!” </p><p>“You are the most annoying person on this planet,” Regina yells back, mindlessly tossing balloons into the chaotic blur of people, paint, and pain. </p><p>“I know! Mother writes that on my birthday card every year!” </p><p>“I don’t know why she bothers.” </p><p>“You’re very mean. Because you’re being so mean to me, you have to use at least seventy percent of those balloons. Declare war on someone. Throw them at random. I don’t care. I want to see new colors being invented!”  </p>
<hr/><p>“I hope you’re happy with yourself,” Regina says, glaring at Zelena with her arms crossed. </p><p>Her once grey outfit has been turned into a rainbow made of splattered paint, and frankly, she very well might end up strangling her sister over it. </p><p>Zelena grins wider than the distance between Neptune and Earth, looking at the chaos she’s created. Paint litters the grass creating an unnatural field of pure mess. </p><p>“Oh, my dearest sister, it’s okay,” she says, face falling serious. She takes hold of one of Regina’s hands, giving it a comforting squeeze.</p><p>“What are you—“ </p><p>“I already know you’re bisexual. There’s no need to come out again. I still love and accept you.” </p><p>She bursts out laughing at her own joke, drawing the attention of everyone else nearby. </p><p>“You’re not nearly as funny as you think you are,” Regina grumbles, doing her best to wipe away the offending rainbow with a grimace.</p><p>“Oh, no? I think I'm funnier actually. I’m very humble, I’m probably downplaying my own funniness.” </p><p>“That statement contradicts itself.” </p><p>Zelena shrugs. “Too bad. I don’t care.” </p><p>“I’d hate to be you.”</p><p>“It’s okay, I'd hate to be you too. Imagine not being me.” </p><p>“I can’t stand you.” </p><p>“I don’t think any of us can,” says Emma who is quite possibly covered in more paint than Regina. It’s like a walking crime scene.</p><p>If the person bled rainbows, of course. </p><p>“I don’t think i’ll ever get this out of my jacket now.” </p><p>“Well, you should’ve thought about that before you wore it to this game.”</p><p>“You didn’t say there was going to be paint! You said water balloons! When something has water in the name, you kinda expect water!” </p><p>Zelena rolls her eyes. “Typical. Another diva. I clearly said watercolor themed balloons. Ergo paint. It’s not my fault your comprehension skills are lacking.” </p><p>“I don’t think this is worth arguing semantics. You’re better off cutting your losses, dear,” says Regina. </p><p>Zelena smiles smugly. “You heard my sister.” </p><p>Emma narrows her eyes. “This is not the end of this,” she vows. </p>
<hr/><p>The aforementioned booth-like structure is not just a booth. It's a dunking booth. </p><p>One that Regina is currently sitting inside, looking thoroughly agitated as she dangles above a pool of water. </p><p>Yet also thoroughly sexy in her scantily clad swimsuit. From an objective standpoint. </p><p>“Step right up! Step right up!” says Zelena wearing a ridiculous top hat, tacky striped clothes, and a bow tie like some circus owner stereotype. </p><p>Three baseballs are set out in front of her. Zelena eyes them with childish glee, as if she can’t wait for havoc to unravel. </p><p>“Now, this is not exactly part of the original plan, but since my dear sister decided pelting me with dodgeballs was acceptable,” Zelena gives Regina a look, “She deserves a fitting punishment.” </p><p>“But I don’t wanna dunk her,” says poor, poor innocent Belle. </p><p>Zelena rolls her eyes with a dramatic huff. “I was afraid you’d say that.” She lets out a deep sigh. “I suppose that whoever can dunk her may take home a cash prize of some sort.” </p><p>“How much money?” asks Belle, the traitor. </p><p>“How ever much Regina has in the bank.” </p><p>Regina scoffs, crossing her arms. “I am not giving you Henry’s college fund.” </p><p>“I never said that. You’re putting words in my mouth.” She waves a dismissive hand. “You’re distracting me from your fate. Who’s going first?” </p><p>The contestants look amongst themselves, weighing the risks of volunteering or disappearing. </p><p>One the one hand, there’s Regina’s wrath to consider. Arguably she’s the most ferocious of the two. The one who makes six foot tall men shake from intimation. </p><p>On the other hand, there’s Zelena’s ownership of their lives to consider. She may not always own their souls both living and dead, but right now they are all on her show and at her mercy. </p><p>When it’s clear no one else is going to take a stand, Mulan steps forward, regret already on her face. “I’m sorry it’s come to this,” she says, grabbing the first ball.</p><p>“It’s alright,” says Regina. </p><p>Mulan nods once, acknowledging her words, and readys her stance like one of the pros. Like a captain of a middle school softball team, she throws and she misses the target by only a hair. </p><p>A little too low to trigger anything, but enough to raise eyebrows. Again, she throws, however, it’s too high this time. </p><p>But now, after completing the Goldilocks method, her aim is just right. </p><p>This is it. She has this. </p><p>Except, maybe not because instead of hitting the target, it bounces off the board behind the target, hurling itself straight at the fearful crowd. </p><p>Like a tidal wave, they all duck down from the hurling ball.</p><p>All besides Marian, that is. She doesn’t notice until it’s too late. </p><p>The ball hits her straight in the cheek causing her to let out a startled squeak as she jumps away from the offending object. </p><p>“I am <em> so </em> sorry,” says Mulan, moving at the speed of sound to help her. </p><p>For a moment, Marian says nothing. She simply looks at her, mouth slightly agape. </p><p>“It’s fine,” she says after a long moment, a kind smile on her face. </p><p>“No, it isn’t. That will surely leave a bruise, and I—“</p><p>“Mulan, it’s fine. Don’t worry.” </p><p>She doesn’t seem all that convinced, but with Marian’s assurance, she nods her head, sending herself into exile on the sidelines. </p><p>With that sorted out, they all turn back to Zelena who could not be more unphased. </p><p>“You could act a little more concerned, you know,” says Marian, narrowing her eyes. </p><p>Zelena waves a dismissive hand. “It’s not like we don’t have a plastic surgeon on hand. It’s all under control.” </p><p>“A… <em> plastic surgeon </em>? What exactly do you expect to happen on this show?” says Emma. </p><p>Zelena rolls her eyes. “I am here to entertain. What else would you expect me to do?”</p><p>“Anything but that.” </p><p>Zelena huffs, looking more like a petulant child than a showrunner. “Less critique, more dunking. Do I have to remind you that there is a <em> cash </em>prize for getting my sister soaked.” Her eyes drift to Emma, a wicked smirk on her lips. “Not that some of you need help with that,” she says quietly.</p><p>But not quietly enough. “<em> Zelena </em>!” Regina shouts, still sitting there, seeming more and more impatient by the moment. </p><p>“Fine. Who’s next?”</p><p>In the end, it’s the person they least expect who achieves Zelena’s task. </p><p>Emma can only imagine the holidays will be awkward this year. It’s not every day your sister annoys you into dunking yourself. </p>
<hr/><p>She’s losing it. She’s fully and truly losing it. </p><p>There’s no other way to put it. Regina Mills is inside an abandoned storage closet, sitting on an unusable sleeping bag, beside a feral animal that probably has fleas, and somehow she’s okay with this. </p><p>“Barth, I don’t know how much of this I can take,” Regina bemoans to the grey rat chewing more holes into the already swish cheesed sleeping bag. </p><p>Barth lifts his head up, tilting it to the side in a gesture of support, as if the rat is urging her to go on.  </p><p>“She’s ruined <em> three </em> of my shirts. I expected at least one getting ruined which is why I bought clothes I’m not particularly attached to, but three? Ridiculous.” </p><p>Barth lets out a small squeak, bobbing his ratty head. </p><p>“I have no idea what to even do. It’s not like I can quit. I checked my contract again, and they can sue me.” She sighs, shaking her head. “I can’t let that happen. Zelena’s been eyeing my cat vase for months. If she gets it, she’ll just break it.” </p><p>Barth’s face darkens at the mention of <em> cat </em>, but being the supportive rat he is, scrambles over to Regina’s side, nudging her comfortingly with his rat nose. Regina gives him a light pat on the forehead which he squeaks his appreciation for. </p><p>“You know, you’re better than most therapists I’ve had.” She lets out a long breath, slumping down. “I can’t believe I’m using a rat as a therapist… Oh my god. The<em>rat</em>ist.” </p><p>A hysterical laugh claws its way out of her, completely immobilizing her for a second as she’s unable to do anything except cackle at her own misfortune and misery. </p><p>Never again will she give into the prodding of her supposed friends. </p>
<hr/><p>The next event, a game of trivia, is surprisingly eventful. But they were fools to think it wouldn’t be. </p><p>It has a lot to do with Zelena who has prepared the most insane fun facts designed for all of them to fail dramatically. </p><p>Except, only eight of the ten contestants do. </p><p>Regina and Mulan win that entire night. A massacre to rival the destruction of an evil queen. </p><p>They’re a good team. They played off each other well during the event. Emma will give them credit for that.</p><p>But they are decidedly not better than her and Regina, of course.</p><p>She’s almost jealous. </p><p>Only over their strangely detailed knowledge of sea anemones, of course. </p><p>Because there is no reason at all to be jealous otherwise. Not even when they hugged at the end. </p><p>Why hasn’t Regina ever hugged Emma?</p><p> But speaking of hugs— </p><p>“I’m gonna miss you,” Ruby says tearfully, pulling Emma into a tight hug. Once again with the wrestler style grip. </p><p>“Me too,” says Emma, awkwardly patting her back. Affection. Perhaps the most difficult puzzle of all.  </p><p>“This has been really fun. I’m glad we met. You’re the best TV bestie I could’ve asked for.” </p><p>“Well, I could say the same to you.”</p><p>Ruby lifts her head from Emma’s shoulder, loosening her grip. “You’ll text me, right? You have my number?” </p><p>“Of course. I’ll be sure to text you. You were one of the best parts of this show.” </p><p>“Yeah, yeah,” Ruby says, taking a step back to shake herself out of it. “Sorry, I just get emotional sometimes. This isn’t the end, we’re gonna see each other again. Can’t just forget about my TV bestie.” </p><p>“I don’t think I could forget you if I tried,” Emma admits. </p><p>Ruby laughs, pulling her in for one last quick hug. It lasts for nearly a second before Ruby’s pulling away and forcing herself out of the house with her suitcase trailing behind. </p><p>She waves to Emma over her shoulder, and Emma returns it, giving her best encouraging smile. It isn’t until Ruby is inside the car and fully out of sight that she lowers her arm. </p><p>“I think I’ll miss her too. A small bit. She wasn’t entirely unpleasant to be around.” </p><p>Emma whips around at the sudden voice. “Jeez, don’t sneak up on people like that.” </p><p>“My apologies, Miss Swan. Shall I walk louder next time?” </p><p>“I mean, a warning would’ve been nice.”</p><p>“Where’s the fun in that? Don’t you enjoy a little surprise every now and then?” </p><p>Emma rolls her eyes with feigned disinterest. “Whatever.” </p><p>Regina hums, amused. “Zelena is waiting for us in the garden.” </p><p>Emma jolts into full alert. “Why didn’t you lead with that?” </p><p>“I didn’t have the chance before you were discussing my stealth abilities.” She glances at a clock on the wall. “But we should really be going. We’ll be late otherwise.” </p><p>Wordlessly, the two journey to their next activity. </p>
<hr/><p>Mary Margaret is more invested in this than she is. A lot more invested. </p><p>She makes this very clear in every phone call. </p><p>“<em> So, she made you fight each other again? This show is very violent, </em>” she says, the sound of shuffling papers nearly drowning out her voice. </p><p>“I mean, it’s just paint. It’s not like we’re throwing knives at each other, you know? It’s not like anyone could plausibly get killed,” Emma says, sitting on her bed in the empty bedroom. </p><p>“<em> I suppose that’s true, but if I tried that with my kids, the principal would have me fired. </em>” Which, yeah. In pretty much any other situation, Zelena would probably be in jail by now. </p><p>“Zelena has a whole legal team. And there was a lawsuit clause. Legal stuff is, like, a quarter of the budget, I think. It’s premeditated,” Emma informs. </p><p>“<em> Wow </em>.”</p><p>“Very wow.” </p><p>“<em> You’re having fun, though? </em>”</p><p>“Oh, yeah. Never a dull moment here. Even if nothing happens by the end, I'll have a ton of fun stories to tell at parties.”</p><p>“<em> That’s good. I’m happy you’re enjoying this </em>,” she says, and she’s nothing if not genuine. </p><p>“I didn’t expect it, but I guess I am.” </p><p>“<em> That’s the spirit. </em> ” The smile is evident in her voice. “ <em> I really have to start grading all these papers, though. I promised the kids they’d be back by Friday. Talk to you again later? </em>”</p><p>“Yep, later,” Emma says. Mary Margaret hangs up a moment later, and Emma lets out a sigh. </p><p>“Regina, you can’t hide from me forever,” says a familiar voice, opening the door without warning. </p><p>Emma jumps at the sudden intrusion, looking around frantically for the guilty party. </p><p>Ah, yes. Zelena. </p><p>“Hello, Emma. Where is my sister?” she asks, scanning the entire room, every inch of every space, as if Regina could be hiding on the ceiling or beneath the floor. </p><p>Though, if Emma had a sister like Zelena, she might actually consider doing that. </p><p>Confident she isn’t being robbed, Emma lets herself relax. “I dunno,” she says, shrugging. </p><p>Zelena’s face falls pensive. A truly strange look on her face. “I think she’s avoiding me.” </p><p>“I wonder why,” Emma mutters to herself. </p><p>In an instant, Zelena perks up again, waving off Emma’s comment. “You people are all so dramatic. If I wanted you dead, you’d all be dead, and this show’s finale would be the funeral.”</p><p>“That is… very dark. I hope you’re not actually planning that,” Emma says, giving her an incredulous look. “Because I will beat your ass if you try to kill me. I can break noses.” </p><p>“Relax, relax. I’m not planning that.” Zelena rolls her eyes. “Our legal team advises against it.” </p><p>“Uh…?” </p><p>“So, do you know where Regina is hiding?” </p><p>“No, why?” Emma narrows her eyes. “What are you up to?”</p><p>“Can’t I just want to see my sister?” She gives her best attempt at an innocent look, and Emma snorts. </p><p>“No.”</p><p>“Okay, you have a point. I will not be telling you my secrets, however.” </p><p>“That’s nice.”</p><p>“You know what? She’s probably with Marian. They are quite chummy with each other,” she says thoughtfully.  </p><p>“Oh?” Emma tries, and fails, to say casually. </p><p>“I’ll have to check out the theater room. They both like watching movies together. While cuddling,” she says, thinking out loud. </p><p>“Oh?” Emma repeats, at a higher pitch for reasons she is not willing to consider. </p><p>“Indeed. Well, see you later then, Emma. Have a lovely evening!” </p>
<hr/><p>Regina is surprisingly good at construction, Emma has quickly discovered. </p><p>She works their tools with knowledgeable ease, happily leading their current project. Emma doesn’t really mind.</p><p>It’s kind of… <em> nice </em>to watch her in action. </p><p>“<em> Zelena breaks a lot of things. It’s cheaper this way, </em>” Regina had said when asked, and Emma can believe that. </p><p>Really, she can. Vividly imagine it too. </p><p>Zelena has been in here for four minutes, and three tables are cracked from her jumping onto them to do her minutely verbal attack on her crowd of victims. </p><p>“This doesn’t sound like impressive creations to me! How are you going to woo anyone with two planks of wood! Put more energy into it! It’s like you lot aren’t even trying...” </p><p>They all glare at Zelena through their surprisingly high quality safety glasses, but Zelena remains unimpressed and unphased. </p><p>She probably won’t be moved until one of them recreates the Mona Lisa. </p><p>Which is a very bold stance for someone who’s doing absolutely nothing at the moment. </p><p>“This is the worst event by far,” Regina mutters as she marks and cuts another board. </p><p>“Yeah,” Emma says, struggling to screw two pieces together. </p><p>She’s great at fixing. When you’re fixing things, there’s instructions on how. There’s guides meaning you always know what comes next. </p><p>But building, as it turns out, is not nearly as simple as it looks. </p><p>Or maybe it is and she’s too distracted by Regina because Regina looks ridiculously cute— and this is a train of thought that is dangerous and desperately needs to be nipped in the bud. </p><p>“Regina, a shelf isn’t very creative,” Zelena chides, shaking her head in disapproval. </p><p>“This— What? Excuse me? This isn’t a shelf,” she says, offense written all over her face. “Why would a shelf have a pole like this,” she says, lightly tapping the tall wooden beam. </p><p>“Fine, a pole dancing shelf—“ </p><p>“A— What? Why are you like this? It is not a— What does that even mean? This is a <em> cat tree </em>!” </p><p>“Could’ve fooled me.”</p><p>Regina shoots her a deadly look, gripping the black sharpy in her hand with a dangerous grip. </p><p>“Wait, it is?” Emma whispers, examining their creation with new eyes, and yeah. Upon closer inspection, it is definitely not the normal shelf she assumed it to be.  </p><p>“Yes,” Regina says, exasperation starting to show. “Why do you think it has platforms?”</p><p>“I thought the walls weren’t finished yet,” Emma says defensively. </p><p>“Oh my god. I am surrounded by— Oh my god.” </p><p>“In my defence, those cat box things look a lot like shelves right now.” </p><p>“You know what? I don’t care. We’re building it. We’re continuing this cat tree,” Regina says, pointedly connecting another board. </p><p>“It’s a very boring cat tree. Marian’s cats deserve better.”</p><p>“It isn’t finished, you useless rotten green bean.” </p><p>Zelena rolls her eyes. “Excuses, excuses.” </p><p>“Oh my— Nevermind. Not engaging.” </p><p>“So,” says Emma, ignoring her treacherous thoughts. “Marian has cats? That’s cool.” </p><p>“Yeah, two tabby cats. They’re very nice. Annoyingly clingy. Like needy newborn kittens. Always want to cuddle. They’re very annoying cats,” she tries to say indifferently, but she’s fond of them, and it’s blatantly bleeding through. </p><p>“They sound nice.”</p><p>“Indeed. They can be… pleasant companions at times. Not always, of course. Not most of the time. But sometimes.” </p><p>Despite herself, Emma doesn’t fight the smile forming. </p>
<hr/><p>“Hey,” Emma greets, walking into their room with a tired half-smile. </p><p>Because anyone would be tired if the host of the dating show they’re on decided she’s now their gym teacher. </p><p>Five entire laps around this stupidly big place. No warning, no breaks, just a Zelena style threat and a whistle being blown. </p><p>She could probably make a killing off selling the story of her time on this show to a gossip magazine. Even a single moment. </p><p>“Hey,” Regina says, laying away from the door in her bed, tucked under the blanket, and something in her tone is definitely <em> off </em>. </p><p>She makes no attempt at turning to see Emma, nor does she make any attempt to move at all. Which, despite how short of a time they’ve known each other, brings a heavy discomfort to her chest. </p><p>“What’s up?” She tries again, forcing casualness. </p><p>“Nothing. I’m fine.” </p><p>“You don’t sound fine.” Emma takes a seat at the edge of Regina’s bed, careful not to accidentally sit on her. </p><p>“Well, I am,” she says firmly, almost harshly, while curling her entire body away from Emma. If it’s even possible, she turns further from Emma, pointedly ignoring her physical existence. </p><p>“Are you—”</p><p>“Yes.” </p><p>Emma’s frown goes from confused to wholly concerned in an instant. “Regina, this doesn’t sound like fine to me. Seems like the opposite actually.”</p><p>“Just leave me alone,” she mutters, acting more like her six year old son than the confident, endearingly rude, nerd Emma has come to know. </p><p>“What happened—“</p><p>“<em> Nothing! </em>” </p><p>Emma blinks, staring at her like a startled fawn. “Fine,” Emma says after a moment, sighing. “I get the message.” </p>
<hr/><p>It takes a minute, ten actually, but eventually, Regina turns on her side again to face her. </p><p>Her face shifts rapidly between unreadable and sad, like she’s struggling to decide how much she’s willing to give. </p><p>But she settles somewhere in the middle, and her eyes are softer than they’ve ever been. Glassy but not distant. </p><p>“I’m sorry,” she says in a low tone, almost inaudibly, and that’s all she says for a long moment. </p><p>“For?” Emma prompts after a long stretch of silence. It doesn’t break the silence, though. </p><p>If anything, it makes things more awkward. </p><p>“I miss my son,” she says suddenly. “It’s been too long since I’ve seen him. In person, that is. Calls… they aren’t the same.” </p><p>“Oh,” Emma says softly. “I’m sorry.”</p><p>“It’s fine,” she sighs. “I am sorry for taking it out on you, however. That is a habit I likely should work on. After all, there are people much more deserving of it.”</p><p>“Like Zelena?” Emma cracks a playful grin. </p><p>Regina returns the grin, if only for a moment. “Like Zelena.” But her face falls shortly after, back into its limbo between shutting down and asking for a life line. </p><p>“Do you… Uh, would it help if you talked about him with me?” </p><p>“I’m… Probably not, but I’m not nearly humble enough not to brag about my son’s achievements. He’s a very impressive boy, and he gets that from me, of course.” </p><p>“Of course,” Emma says fondly. Who knew arrogance could be so endearing? </p><p>“Well…” Regina looks at her with a prompting expression. </p><p>“Just share whatever you want. I’m here to listen.” </p><p>“Oh, okay. Well, he’s six, about to be seven. He’s adorable, and he’s so very smart. Always so excited to learn new things. So creative. He writes the most entertaining stories I've ever read.” </p><p>As she speaks, a serene look takes over her face. A fond, adoring look full of so much love and longing. </p><p>“Oh? What kind of stories?”</p><p>“He enjoys fantasy. His current obsession is fairytales. He’s always writing them. Dragons, swords, royalty, he loves all of that. He’s so talented.” </p><p>“Sounds like it.” </p><p>“Yes, he’s such a wonderful child. My baby boy.” She lets out a soft, content sigh. “Maybe you could meet him when this is all over.” </p><p>“You want me to meet him?” Emma asks, feeling oddly sentimental. </p><p>“Of course, why wouldn’t I?” Regina gives her a curious look. “Do you not want to?” </p><p>“No! No, of course I do. Love to, really. I didn’t want to assume anything. About what happens after the show.” </p><p>“I’d like things to stay the same,” Regina admits. “I’ve enjoyed meeting you.”</p><p>“Me too.”</p><p>“Even if you bruised my ribs beyond possible repair.” </p><p>Emma scoffs. “I did not.” </p><p>“I’ll be sending you my medical bill.” </p><p>“And I’ll be sending it back, you liar.” </p><p>Regina chuckles lightly at that, shuffling further under her blanket. “I’d like to see you try.” </p>
<hr/><p>It comes down to one last event. </p><p>The decider event that will leave only the final four contestants standing. Or sitting depending on the pose.</p><p>Because it’s only fitting that this ends with a yoga contest. </p><p>“Ok, everyone. I’d say you’re all doing good, but honestly most of you aren’t, and I’m not a liar,” Zelena says, shifting into dancer pose. </p><p>She is a liar, but Emma wisely keeps her mouth shut. </p><p>Everyone shifts in tandem, trying to mirror her. Some are better than others. </p><p>“I thought you’d be better at this,” Emma admits, holding the pose with ease. </p><p>“I don’t do a lot of yoga. My time is very limited,” Regina replies defensively. “Especially when <em> someone </em>is demanding I work twenty hour days,” she says, glaring at the offending person. </p><p>“I never said you had to. I highly encouraged it. There’s a difference,” Zelena says because it’s always Zelena. “And I never said twenty hours. I encouraged a nice fourteen hours. You’re just an overachiever.” </p><p>Regina rolls her eyes. </p><p>“You know, this might work better for you if you released some of that pent up tension. Maybe you should build up some flexibility too,” Zelena says in what is trying to be an innocent tone. </p><p>Except, nothing Zelena says sounds innocent or positive for anyone involved. </p><p>“Where is duck tape when you need it.” </p><p>“That’s exactly what I’m talking about. So tense.” </p><p>“I will disfigure your spine, and we can figure out who’s tense then.” </p><p>“You <em> really </em>need to release that tension. It’s making you more violent than usual. Usually you only threaten me twice a day. This is getting excessive.” </p><p>“I’ll show you excessive,” Regina mutters. </p><p>“Oh, please. I encourage you. Your performance right now could use a little more of that fire. You’re falling behind, dear sister.” </p><p>“If I stop participating, will you eliminate me?” </p><p>“Not a chance. That is a reward, not a punishment.” </p><p>“Excuse me?” says Marian, still the only person here not forced to participate. </p><p>“For people who say I’m such a national threat, you sure do get in my business a lot.” </p><p>“I’m sorry, but how is being eliminated a reward in your eyes? Doesn’t that make you ponder something? Anything?” </p><p>“No.”</p><p>Marian stares for a long moment before she accepts that this is a lost cause. There are much more fun things to argue about in this world. </p><p>Like squirrels. </p><p>“Since none of you seem to be able to follow simple instructions, we will be returning to downward dog. Last person to follow my command will be exterminated!” </p><p>“You mean eliminated, correct?” asks Marian, eyes widened in concern. It could go either way, couldn’t it? </p><p>“That’s what I said.” </p><p>“That is definitely not what you said.” </p><p>“You say tomato, I say tomorrow. You know what I meant.” </p><p>The weekend can't come soon enough. </p>
<hr/><p>“I can’t wait for Friday,” Regina says, slipping into the hot tub across from Marian. She lets out a content sigh, leaning back comfortably. </p><p>After a day of freezing, the warm water is more reliving than a river after days in the barren Saharan. </p><p>“Me neither,” Marian says, eyes closed and comfortably reclined against the wall. </p><p>“Oh?” Regina raises her head, quirking an eyebrow. “Do you already have a candidate in mind?” </p><p>“Maybe.” Marian shrugs. “But I’m not telling who. You’ll have to wait for the surprise.” </p><p>“Is it really a surprise if you have two options?” </p><p>“Hey! There’s four people left. What makes you think I won't choose you or Emma?”</p><p>“Besides the fact you already know who I’m talking about? I know you don’t have feelings for me and I know you aren’t into blondes.” </p><p>“I suppose that’s fair,” Marian admits. </p><p>“We’ve been friends for years, I’d like to think I know you very well by now.” </p><p>“That’s a two way street, Mills,” Marian says in a tone that makes Regina weary of the next words coming out of her mouth. The smirk on her face isn’t helping either. </p><p>“Regina?” says Emma, a slight frown on her face, standing down the path with a towel in hand, heroically saving her from the inevitable embarrassment. </p><p>“Emma?” Regina asks with a touch of pleasant surprise and confusion. </p><p>“Hey, Emma,” Marian greets, waving lazily at her. </p><p>“Oh... Marian.” </p><p>“Yes,” Regina says slowly, no less confused. In all the days they’ve been here, never once has Emma visited this part of the property. </p><p>Emma shakes herself out of whatever funk she’s fallen into, and continues towards them. </p><p>“I guess we all had the same idea of relaxing in the hot tub, huh?” There’s an underlying tension in her tone she’s trying to hide, and she refuses to meet either of their eyes as she slips in. </p><p>Strange. Very strange. </p><p>She takes a seat towards the back, as far away from both of them as she can possibly manage, and Regina tries to ignore the slight pang that causes. </p><p>“Great minds think alike,” says Marian. </p><p>“Yeah, I guess.” Emma clears her throat looking wholly out of her element. “So... how is everyone?” </p><p>“Fine,” says Regina.</p><p>“Zelena almost poisoned me,” says Marian, casual in a way only someone who’s spent years as Zelena’s friend can be. “She claims it was an accident, but that milk was clearly expired.” </p><p>“You let her cook?” Regina asks disapprovingly. </p><p>“I don’t think we ‘let’ Zelena do anything.” </p><p>“I suppose that’s true,” Regina says, nodding. “Why would you eat it, though?” </p><p>Marian shrugs. “She didn’t give me any context. She put it in front of me and told me to eat. Then when I said ‘fuck no’ she offered to buy the boys some new climbing furnature, and you know I can’t say no to that.” </p><p>“Oh, that is low. Very low.” </p><p>“I know,” Marian bemoans. “Maybe I should get a snake. She never bothers you about Cornelius.” </p><p>“You have a snake named Cornelius?” Emma asks, bemused. </p><p>Regina’s face heats. Because of the hottub, of course. </p><p>“Yes. He’s a corn snake, and Henry named him. He thought it’d be funny.” </p><p>“Oh my god. Your snake’s name is a pun? Oh my god,” Emma says, grinning ear to ear. “That’s so cute.” </p><p>“It is not cute,” Regina insists. “Cornelius is not cute. He is elegant and very handsome. He is not— That’s so— cute— really? No.” </p><p>“It is very cute. Henry calls him Corny,” Marian mock-whispers. </p><p>“Oh my god.” </p><p>“Shut up. Both of you.”</p><p>“Regina, there’s nothing wrong with being cute. A lot of things are cute,” Marian half-heartedly tries to soothe. “For instance, me.” </p><p>“That does nothing to sway me.” </p><p>“That’s unfortunate for you. I tried my best, however.” </p><p>Regina rolls her eyes. </p>
<hr/><p>After six weeks of Zelena’s reign of terror, the end is within reach. One more night until Marian makes her choice, one more night until their lives continue again as normal. </p><p>One more night until she finally gets to hug Henry again. </p><p>“So,” says Emma. They sit in complete darkness, both comfortably tucked into their beds, and it does nothing to lessen Regina’s nerves. </p><p>“So,” she repeats. </p><p>“Tomorrow morning… the show’s over,” she states. “That’s, uh… these weeks have been fun. I’m glad I met you. I…”</p><p>“You…?”</p><p>“I… I’m wishing you luck, I guess?” </p><p>“Oh…” Regina says softly. “Oh, I suppose… I’m wishing the same to you.”</p><p>“We’ll… you’ll keep in contact with me, right? You won’t forget about me?” </p><p>Regina laughs quietly. “How could I?”</p><p>“Just making sure.” She lets out a loud exhale. “Well, goodnight, Regina.”</p><p>“Goodnight, Emma.” </p>
<hr/><p>“Are you ladies ready for our finale?” Zelena asks with a suspiciously large grin. She’s all but bouncing in front of them, just radiating excitement. </p><p>“Yeah, I guess,” Emma says. </p><p>“Hey! Stop that. I promise you, this will be fun. Very, very fun. Now, come on,” says Zelena, ushering them along. </p><p>Because that isn’t at all alarming. </p><p>Zelena leads them to the room where it all began, where Marian, Mulan, and Merlin are all waiting for them. Marian looks at all four of them, looking strangely nervous. </p><p>“Now,” Zelena starts, clasping her hands together. “Does anyone have any last words before our finale truly begins? Any regrets? Any embarrassing stories about my sister? Any thoughts?” </p><p>“What is your obsession with embarrassing me on television?” Regina asks, glaring. </p><p>Zelena shrugs. “It’s fun.” </p><p>“It’s annoying.”</p><p>“Are these really your last words? These are kind of boring.”</p><p>“The moment those cameras stop filming, I am going to rip your arm off and beat you with it.”</p><p>“Dark,” Zelena mutters, her grin only growing. “That could probably up our views, though. If we do this again, you should do that.” </p><p>They all stare at her. </p><p>“Well, if no one has any last words, I suppose we should just get on with it, huh? Are you sure you don’t want to say anything, though? No last minute declarations of undying love? No dramatic twists? No?” </p><p>They continue to stare, dead silent. </p><p>Zelena shrugs. “Well then, Marian, you have the floor. Don’t be too boring.” </p><p>“Thanks,” she mutters dryly. “This show has been… very interesting. Fascinating, really. Zelena certainly has… interesting ideas when it comes to matchmaking.”</p><p>They all snort because that is truly the understatement of the century. </p><p>“I’ve had a lovely time getting to know everyone on this show. Especially you four. It’s been wonderful. Really.” Marian and Zelena share a look. “But we do have something to share.” </p><p>“Everyone! Come on out!” Zelena starts cackling maniacally. “Get it? You’ll get it in a minute.”</p><p>The twenty eliminated contestants slowly filter into the room in pairs of two, and they’re all… <em> holding hands </em>? </p><p>“Oh,” Regina says in dawning realization. Her eyes are wide, shocked at whatever is going on. </p><p>“‘Oh’ is right, dearest sister!” </p><p>“What? What’s going on?” Emma whispers. Regina starts laughing hysterically, muttering incomprehensible things between each chuckle. </p><p>“I’m glad you asked! You see, this is not actually a dating show. At least, not in the way you think it is,” Zelena says gleefully, puffing her chest out as she begins to unravel her own genius plan. </p><p>“What? Did you just put us through all of that for entertainment value?” Emma asks, still confused. </p><p>“Nope, that was all purposely done.”</p><p>“Then what—”</p><p>“This show was not filmed with the goal of setting Marian up in mind. Mulan is just a lucky surprise,” Zelena says, giving Mulan a thumbs up. “You see, each task I had you do was geniusly designed—”</p><p>“That’s debatable,” says Regina. </p><p>“—to test our contestants compatibility, you could say. Each elimination was carefully planned by Marian and, more importantly, me to fit our ultimate end goal. Marian was—”</p><p>Realization finally strikes. “Oh my god,” Emma mutters, her voice rising an octave out of sheer incredulousness “She was just here to get people to come, wasn’t she? There was never any real competition...” </p><p>“Yes! I’m glad you’re finally catching on. I thought it would take you longer. See, I had this genius idea—”</p><p>None of it was real. It was all some elaborate match making scheme. None of it was—</p><p>“You’re an asshole!” Emma says suddenly. “I can’t believe you made me think Marian was going to choose Regina.”</p><p>“What?” Marian and Regina say in unison. </p><p>“I didn’t make you think anything. What you chose to infer from my words is not my responsibility.”</p><p>Regina whips her head around to glare at her sister. “You did what? Why would you do that?” </p><p>Zelena shrugs. “I couldn’t exactly go revealing our big twist, could I? Plus, it’s good drama. It will help out ratings when this airs.” </p><p>“Zelena, that was very mean,” chides Marian. Zelena shrugs again, unphased. </p><p>“It’s fine. It’s not like it stopped them. I mean, look at them.” She gestures to the two. “They’re one kiss away from running away together. It all worked out in the end.” </p><p>“We’re not—”</p><p>“Excuse me? No, we are not—” </p><p>“Shush. Save your denial for someone who cares,” Zelena says, waving them off. “Point is I am a matchmaking genius.” </p><p>“That is just blatantly false,” says Regina, glaring at her, pointedly ignoring the fact her hand has somehow drifted into Emma’s. </p><p>“You two are together, are you not?”</p><p>“Well—”</p><p>“I mean—” </p><p>“Oh, stop blushing already. It’s embarrassing for all of us.” </p><p>“Excuse me?” says Regina. </p><p>“You can say it you know. ‘Thank you, Zelena. Thank you for being so good at your job and so gorgeous all the time. I wonder what conditioner you use because your hair makes me want to cry from how good it looks, and—” </p><p>“I think they get the point,” Marian cuts in. </p><p>“They’d better.” She crosses her arms, huffing at them. “You know, I had to pay out of <em> pocket </em> to get those balloons shipped here.” </p><p>“Maybe that was a sign you shouldn’t have gotten them at all. Did you ever think about that? I am never going to be able to wash that paint out of my clothes, you know?” </p><p>“Perhaps, but wasn’t it worth it for all of those bonding moments you and Swan had on the battlefield? Was that not a worthy price to pay?” At Regina’s loss for words, she grins smugly and triumphantly. “See, matchmaking genius.” </p><p>“I’m going to tell mother about this,” threatens Regina, but Zelena could not be less phased. </p><p>“She’ll see it all happen when our show airs anyways.” </p><p>Oh. Right. </p><p>They’re going to be on TV. Everything that happened during the events was filmed. </p><p>Hopefully Regina doesn’t watch the trivia night episode. Match made or not, it is not easy to explain why you’re stealing her lemon slices in a desperate attempt to flirt by getting her another dish of lemons from the bar. </p><p>“You have no soul,” Regina says darkly, eyes narrowed. </p><p>“Our executives said that too. But then they still gave me the air slot, so I don’t think it’s a deal breaker.” </p><p>“Typical corporate greed…” </p><p>“You complain, but may I remind you that it was my genius matchmaking that landed you a girlfriend.” </p><p>Regina flushes. “Well, we’re not really—” </p><p>“I expect to be invited to the wedding too.” </p><p>The sound of a cat scratching its claws across a chalkboard while it dies escapes Regina’s throat. “What? Who said anything about—” </p><p>“I’ll be sure to babysit the kids if needed.” </p><p>“I get it, Zelena. You don’t need to—” </p><p>“I think Greece would make a good wedding destination, wouldn’t you? A nice tropical destination.” </p><p>“Ok, we get it. You can—” </p><p>And Zelena may just be winding Regina up, but in the end, Emma wouldn’t mind all of that happening one day. </p>
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